Monthly Archives: June 2010

The Mind of a (WO)man by Victor Tadoh Chege Oluoch’s

Let’s say a guy named Mwangi is attracted to a woman
named Njambi. He asks her out to a movie, she accepts; they have a

pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and

again they enjoy themselves.

They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither

one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to

Njambi, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud, “Do you

realise that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly

six months?”

And then there is silence in the car. To Njambi, it seems like a very

loud silence. She thinks to herself, “Ngai! I wonder if it bothers him

that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our

relationship;maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of

obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.”

And Mwangi is thinking, “Ngoma! Six months!”

And Njambi is thinking, “But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of

relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so

I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going

the way we are, moving steadily toward…I mean, where are we going?

Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of

intimacy?Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a

lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?”

And Mwangi is thinking, “…so that means it was…let’s

see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had

the car at the garage, which means…let me check the odometer…Whoa!

I am way overdue for an oil change here.”

And Njambi is thinking, “He’s upset. I can see it on his face.

Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our

relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has

sensed…even before I sensed it…that I was feeling some

reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to

say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.”

And Mwangi is thinking, “And I’m going to have them look at the clutch

again. I don’t care what those Nugus say, it’s still not engaging right.

And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.

What cold weather? It’s 30 degrees outside, and this thing is shifting

like a chokora garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves 12,000 bob!”

And Njambi is thinking, “He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be

angry, too. Ngai! I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I

can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.”

And Mwangi is thinking, “They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day

warranty. That’s exactly what they’re going to say, the nyangaus.”

And Njambi is thinking, “Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a

knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right

next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person

I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A

person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.”

And Mwangi is thinking, “Warranty? They want a warranty I’ll give them

a bloody warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…”

“Mwangi,” Njambi says aloud.

“What?” asks Mwangi, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes

beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…Ngai, I

feel so…” She breaks down, sobbing.

“What?” says Mwangi.

“I’m such a fool,” Njambi sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I

really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Mwangi.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Njambi says.

“No!” says Mwangi, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…It’s that I…I need some time,” Njambi says.

There is a 15-second pause while Mwangi, thinking as fast as he can,

tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one

that he thinks might work.

“Yes,” he says.

Njambi, deeply moved, touches his hand. “Oh, Mwangi, do you really

feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Mwangi.

“That way about time,” says Njambi.

“Oh,” says Mwangi. “Yes.”

Njambi turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him

to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it

involves a horse.

At last she speaks. “Thank you, Mwangi,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Mwangi.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,

tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Mwangi gets back to

his place,he opens a bag of crisps, turns on the TV, and immediately

becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two

Czechoslovakians he never heard of ,as he awaits the big match of the day between MAN-U and ARSENAL. A tiny voice in the far recesses

of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in

the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever

understand what, and so he figuresit’s better if he doesn’t think

about it… (This is also Mwangi’s policy regarding world hunger)

The next day Njambi will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of

them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.

In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and

everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every

word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering

every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this

subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any

definite conclusions,but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Mwangi, while playing squash one day with a mutual friend

of his and Njambi’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,

“Kamau, did Njambi ever own a horse??”

A cow from Murang’a by Victor Tadoh Chege Oluoch’s

The only Cow in Machakos Town stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a Cow just like that from Muranga at Kshs 20,000.00. They bought the Cow from Muranga and the Cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a Bull to mate with the Cow to produce more Cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the Bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved Cow.

However, whenever the Bull tried to mount the Cow, the Cow would move away. No matter what approach the Bull tried, the Cow would move away from the Bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Veterinary Officer, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. ‘Whenever the Bull tires to mount our Cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.’ The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, ‘Did you by chance, buy this
Cow from Muranga?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the Cow. ‘ You are truly a wise Vet,’ they said. ‘How did you know we got the Cow from Muranga?’

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, ‘My wife is from Muranga’

KINUTHIA by Victor Tadoh Chege Oluoch

Kinuthia works hard at the office and spends most evenings playing pool at
Kachoi (choices). His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club (Chillers).

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Kinuthia! Vipi bwana?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Ziiiii,” says Kinuthia. “He’s in my pool team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Kinuthia if he’d like his usual and
brings over a cold Tusker.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she
know that you drink Tusker?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Pool League, honey. We share tables with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Kinuthia, starts to rub herself all over him and says
“Sasa Kinush. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Kinuthia’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Kinuthia follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every cuss
word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, “Ngai Kinuthia, you picked up a real
bitch this time”.

The Wife FAINTS!!

KIMATHI UNIVERSITY COLLEGE OF TECHNOLOGY

As a student of a university that boasts of teaching technological advancement,our motto being ‘better life through technology’ I have taken it upon myself together with a team of other prolific writers from the university to try and provide insight on what goes on in what will one day be Africa’s and eventually the worlds premier university.We will try and demystify the rumors that are ever so rampant in our campus as well as educate prospective applicants about Kimathi University a.k.a ‘KuCity’ from a students point of view as well as inform those currently enrolled on whats happening in and around campus.we shall also be posting individual articles of  any one who is interested in participating.Guys will also have pieces on lifestyle,fond highskul memories,what happens at home,gaming,ICT,business as well as rumbling about life in KuCity.Hope you all enjoy reading our articles!

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